Rickroll

Family thinks I’d feel peace to know that "God forgives me".

But you won't

I could walk 500 miles to fall down at your door and choke, 
right? 
Everyone who ever hurt me, made me cry or made me bleed
Has my blessing
But I know I can't expect the same for me. 

Why do you still talk to me if I am truly toxic trash
If you won't redeem me, let me burn this body into ash
Stuck here in my unclean state my conscience stabs me when I dream
Puts holes in my aspirations
Ribbons me to apathy. 

I wanted to give all I had, but all I had was mazey traps and anxious fits and manic lust and ancient quips and years of gripping panic tearing semiconscious past my lips
undiagnosed and pseudo social
wish I had known I’m autistic
Half my friends were bots and pedos
Wish I'd known your thoughts on free dick

Wish I'd had a choice or chance or just some damn experience before I hurt you, wrecked you, wounded the sole person I've believed in the only future I conceived but died stillbirth inside of me, an awful mother, stupid, too; drinking poison while it grew,

If only only I could die/forget/give up /move on/redo