Too old for awkward despondency and angst
S’posed to swallow discomfort silently once past a certain age
Babe’s bubblegum amoxicillin to nan’s ten-horsepill-tuesdays
It’s not that its stuck in my throat that’s the problem
but the fact that it all comes back up anyway

Last night I dreamed that you forgave me
All my burdens washed away and
All I had to do was say,
I wanted this. That I was ready

We came together in a loft
just like the one in RRG

Warmth late in the year leaves me conflicted
Want to curl up in the sun’s lap
Want to sprint to get my shit done
Try to meter out my options

I long

to slip my hands beneath your skin
Remove the sheath
And see
The seething mass Of gears and ribbons
Hidden
Underneath

I am going to dig myself a massive fucking pit
I am going to dig through rock until my palms blister and split
I am going to dig until I sweat out all my tears and spit
I am going to dig this hole and I am going to die it in

Fall last year, around this time a tweaked out woman wandered by
Knocked on the door, asked for a 20:
Told her I was broke and couldn’t offer money
But that I had some fruit and could give her a coke,

The way people learn is through experience

Observation shapes organic education out of our existence
I’ve tried to mould enlightened lessons out of stacked traumatic turbulance
But I perceive less tribal unity than pornographic arrogance

you cut me and I bite my tongue
dumb my ears and hunt the drums
lime on one hand, tar on the other
lungs and tendons falter

I cannot see the light you see
the glittering promise the raw earth holds,
I'm told,
I cannot taste, or reach
Ask and so you shall receive
Does not seem to apply to me
No intentionality,

You hurt because you lie,
Eat crow!
And I’ll eat Elmer’s, six years old-like
Holed up in this house alone
Faced disgrace and a heart full of stone

Brain buzzing
no caffeine
just one million tiny bees
Poke and sting and
All day long
Whine derisive
Busy songs

The vacuum inside of me
feels like an act of nature
Published work, diplomas
Paychecks, love letters,
big black hole beats
support network wall-paper

Go ahead, baby
Tell me what’s broken
I’m feeling bitter but
Still, I’m hopeful
Take it out on me
Tender child
Tend to the hate
I'd neglected a while

Memories
are hollow vessels
Fill with feelings;
let it settle
Birth them whole
from sacred stone
To see
The being
you've become

Leather skins,
weathers growing warmer
water splashing on the tin shins
well into the winter,

Blood-bound brother senses wonder
Hidden in another's womb
Bitter ice inside my heart would make her flesh into a tomb
But if my curse is less than certain

All I ever wanted was the feeling I was good enough
How is it I keep chasing dragons that I've never even touched?

My mind was an unkempt garden
Friend, you helped me pull the weeds
Your wisdom is a hidden temple
Where I can rest in quiet peace

I want to carve the pieces out you've scarred into my life
But if I take my blade up then I'll be left scarred, but twice
I want to scour the things you think, the way you act, and how you look
To find the peace I had before the liberties you took

Yeah I wanna be your muse-
What girl wouldn't?
When you play like a God
While you pray like a Sycophant

I'm consistently so cold that I can
feel it in my teeth,
I just slept for 15 hours but
I want to go back to sleep,

Were that I could curl against
that tipping point
an' place my breast
my sternum rent against its edge
press down where guilty muscle's spent

Bittersweet how sweet and bitter
love can be when pretense withers
tender - like the underbelly
not like fruit that's heavy, ready,
freshly plucked your heart will seem

I want nothing and
I trust no one
Heartbreak’s inevitable
Pour me another one
I drank up my innocence
That top shelf gullible
Now I buy that ten dollar half gallon vitriol

I've been
doing everything that I can to grow
Believe the hardest thing I ever tried to do was let go
And the person who I really want to be
Who I'm gonna be

I'm not letting you fade away-
I'm betting you're strong enough.
You were the first one to inspire me,
I love the crazy that you're made of.

My life got
visceral,
hungry,
this is all I can do keep thinking
medicinal direction in the form of news-
seems fictional
breath on the edge of my lungs
take respitrol

Who's this girl your dreams chase after?
Who's this vision in my head?
She's a mess of TV static-
Shines like gold and sinks like lead.
Sometimes she's so sweet and loving,

I am rising, filling up
and shrinking, wasting down
I feel my bones begin to crack
my flesh becomes a tattered map
each piece as big as continents
I fold into a ring.

Childish thrones and childish thorns and I
,a child myself,
affected by your modest offerings
placed your beauty on a shelf too high for me
for I, so little,